Heard this on the radio the other day. Thought it was pretty good!


Time for observations about English language...
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English language?
Let's face it - English is a strange language.
There is no egg in an eggplant
No ham in a hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in a pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, why don't fingers fing?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What on earth does a humanitarian eat!!??
Why do people park on driveways
And drive on parkways?
You?re surely surprised at how strange this language is...
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why is it that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.



If you have the time, here are some more:

Impossible Questions
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- Are there seeing-eye humans for blind dogs?
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
- Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
- Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
- Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
- Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
- Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
- Do indecisive squids discharge erasable ink?
- Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
- Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV?s as ?4?s??
- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
- Do those poker playing dogs own paintings of humans playing ?fetch??
- Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Does distressed leather come from very tense cows?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- How can a house burn down when it burns up?
- How can someone ?draw a blank??
- How can there be self-help groups?
- How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
- How come psychics always have to ask your name?
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- How come there aren't B batteries?
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
- How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
- How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- How do you know when it?s time to tune your bagpipes?
- How do you know when you forget?
- How do you throw away a garbage can?
- How does a Thermos know when to keep something hot hot, and something cold cold?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
- How would we measure hail without golf balls?
- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
- If a book about failures doesn?t sell, is it a success?
- If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out its nose?
- If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?
- If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
- If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, is there substantial evidence to sue for deforestation?
- If a turtle doesn?t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If everyone were employed, would unemployment officers be?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If it?s tourist season, why can?t we shoot them?
- If it is a boxing ring, why is it square?
- If it is quicksand, why does it move so slowly?
- If it was only a 3-hour cruise (Gilligan's Island), why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
- If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to the pan?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what moron came up with, ?Quit while you?re ahead??!
- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can?t find himself?
- If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
- If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why?s it still #2?
- If the word ?Arkansas? is pronounced ?Arkansaw?, why isn?t ?Kansas? pronounced ?Kansaw??
- If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If writers write, why don?t fingers fing, grocers groce, and hammers ham?
- If you?re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you?re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
- If you?re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
- If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says, ?Objects in mirror are closer than they appear,? how can that be possible?
- If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
- If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- If you try to prove Murphy?s Law, will something keep going wrong?
- If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
- Is invisible ink available in all colors?
- Is it legal to run into a crowded fire and yell, ?Theater!??
- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- Is it true that cannibals don?t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- Isn?t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Isn?t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ?practice??
- Shouldn?t there be a shorter word for ?monosyllabic??
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
- Sooner or later, doesn?t EVERYONE stop smoking?
- What do chickens think we taste like?
- What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- What hair color do they put on the driver?s license of a bald man?
- What is another word for ?synonym??
- What is the speed of dark?
- What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
- When buttermilk goes bad does it start to smell good?
- When it rains, why don?t sheep shrink?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
- When the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- When there is a funeral procession at night, do people drive with their lights off?
- When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
- When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- Where are Preparations A through G?
- Where do forest rangers go to ?get away from it all??
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren?t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- Why are stars visible when they are out, but lights are invisible when they are out?
- Why are there five syllables in the word ?monosyllabic??
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are they called ?stands? when they?re made for sitting?
- Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
- Why can you be inept, but never ept?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Why do ?fat chance? and ?slim chance? mean the same thing?
- Why do ?flammable? and ?inflammable? mean the same thing?
- Why do ?slow up? and ?slow down? mean the same thing?
- Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
- Why do banks charge you a ?non-sufficient funds fee? on money they already know you don?t have?
- Why do people drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
- Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
- Why do they call them ?apartments? when they are all stuck together?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
- Why do tugboats push their barges?
- Why do we fill out forms by filling them in?
- Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
- Why do we sing ?Take Me Out to the Ball Game? when we are already there?
- Why do we wait until a pig is dead, to cure it?
- Why do we wash bath towels?aren?t we clean when we use them?
- Why does ?cleave? mean both split apart and stick together?
- Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window?
- Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
- Why doesn?t ?onomatopoeia? sound like what it is?
- Why doesn?t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why don't they call mustaches mouthbrows?
- Why is ?abbreviate? such a long word?
- Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
- Why is it called a ?building? when it is already built?
- Why is it called a hamburger, when it?s made out of beef?
- Why is it called a TV ?set? when you only get one?
- Why is it so hard to remember how to spell ?mnemonic??
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it?s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it?s called cargo?
- Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a ?near miss?? Shouldn?t it be called a ?near hit??
- Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
- Why is lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?
- Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- Why is there only one monopolies commission?
- Why isn?t ?palindrome? spelled the same way backwards?
- Why isn?t ?phonetic? spelled the way it sounds?
- Why isn?t there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

that was cute and very funny! I have heard several but never knew there were so many! What a beautiful language we have!!
Thanks zola!

I am pretty certain that my fingers fing...
among other things :ph34r:

It's an old thread;
but it's still funny.

get paid to smurf!

Thanks Alex, had forgotten about this one!

I already forward it to my bf computer so that he can paste it into his writers forum!