A New young priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get anxious, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:


1. Next time, sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments NOT 12.
3. There are 12 disciples NOT 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated NOT constipated
5. David slew Goliath, He did NOT kick the sh** out of him.
6. We do NOT refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC
7. The Father, The Son & Holy Ghost are not referred as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do NOT say he was stoned off his a$$.
9. We do NOT refer to the cross as the "Big T"
10. The recommended way to say grace is NOT "rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, YAY God.
11. And lastly...The Virgin Mary should NEVER, under any circumstances be called "Mary with the cherry"



All I can say is I would've loved to see that sermon and Im sorry if its been seen before My wife got this HUGE joke book at Barnes and Noble and there is so many hilarious things. Hope you all enjoy

Oh my.

Would have liked to see the look on the faces of the congregation.

Especially that one little holier-than-thou snooty little lady that is always on the front row in EVERY church.

Can't forget those ladies. I think that would've been the funniest mass ever to see. I can't picture anyone sleeping through that sermon

think i need to e-mail a few peeps with it..... lololol



thanks for the laugh

Your all welcome! Now to find some more funnies for the forum

She probably would have stood up and fainted.