My husband has just started recently taking his angry outon me by hitting me or pushing me around. He doesn't drink or do drugs he just has a bad temper. I want out but we have a 7month old son and I don't want to loose him. I work but I have horrible job history and I don't have any crdeit. We have been married for 6 months but been together for 5 years and this started since our son was born. I need advice on how to get out with my son and what I should do. I know this is personal but I can't take it anymore. I needed your help and courage.


Anji

Anji,

Since you're from US I'm sure you'll get valid information about where to go and who to contact from our members who live over there,

I just wanted to let you know that you're making the right decision, no one should suffer from abuse ...no matter how bad it feels to leave the person you are married to and stilll love....

have you tried talking with him about this? Maby try to get some counseling for him and you?

I wish you strenght and courage in this path that you chose to walk,
may the sun shine on you and your son soon again,

*Hugs*

Pia

Anji,
You know what, you just made the first step! So now what right? I am not familiar with where you are from but I have a number from an organization that may be able to help. Also one thing is that most towns, not matter how small, have wmoen and childrens shelter, it helps make the break. You got to this housing area that you dont even know the dirctions too. It's a safe house. The staff usually are trained to help you transition from "punching bag" to mommy and employee.

Here is a link that maybe helpful:

http://www.ndvh.org/

That site is a wealth of info! This is a little paragraph from there front page!

Well, the first thing you need to do is contact your domestic violence office or the YWCA in your area...they can get you into a safe house and give you direction on where to go from there....just an FYI though, if you go into a safe house you will have contact with no one, not even family members.

Is there any chance that you can talk to him and seeif you guys can get into counseling? The birth of your little one seems to have sparked something, or he may be having stressors that he is taking out in a very unhealthy way....

Good luck and if I can think of anything else I will let you know...

You must put your safety first and frankly the babies safety. You will get a lot of help while he is a baby, right to life group and many others. This is always difficult because he will use the excuse of wanting to see his son to see you. This is awful. I think you should involve the police. I would probably disappear completely and or involve the authorities. I had an abusive father of my child and I gave the baby up for adoption so I could eventually start a new life but yours is more complicated. Once they start this they dont stop. He could kill you. It happens. He knows you have financial difficulties etc and knows you dont have many escapes. Can you get any help from your family? You must get professional advice. you shouldnt have had a child to this man.

I am sooooo sorry to hear that. I cannot stand when men beat on women. There are many things you can do, but it is a tough decision choosing which to do. Do you live near any family? If so, I would suggest you head there ASAP while he is at work. If you want to confront him, ONLY talk to him around a lot of people or family. If you are truly scared for your life, call the police and go to a shelter for women and children. For the sake of you baby boy, you have to do something. I know you are feeling scared and confused, but speaking from PERSONAL experience, you cannot stay there while he is not receiving help.

I don't have family my father abused me when i was a child and he went to prison for killing my mother I became part of the state. Like I said before this just started after the baby and yes I have talked to him but all he does is yell and leave. He wont get consiling because he says he doesnt have a problem Im the promblem he says. He is always saying lets get a divorce fine by me but I dont want to loose my son to him. He has a family that supports anything he does I want to tell them whats going on but Im scared they wont believe me. He has never hit me hard enough for a bruise so i can't prove it. Thank you for those that have helped with advbice i will take it all.

Take the info that lollie has given you and get out and get out quick. I know it will not be easy and you may question whether you are doing the right thing. Trust me you are, even if he never hurts your child, you don't want your child to grow up seing his father hit his mother--your child deserves better than that. It can be hard sometimes to do the right thing for yourself so if nothing else think of your son.
I know you're probably nervous and scared and unsure of what you're doing but you will feel much better after you leave...
((((((((((((((Anji)))))))))))))

I was just thinking a man like this doesnt deserve to have a wife or child. As painful as it is I would move interstate and go into hiding. At least he has said he is willing to divorce. Better than I will kill you if you leave. your mother died at the hands of a man like this. she would want you to have a better life.

thank you all i have written an email to the tennessee state abuse hotline and i will call them on monday. Thank you for helping me and i will be leaving. I do have a friend that will help us i am just scared that if i take our son he will hold that against me in child custody.

Thats why you need to report the abuse, so there is a record for custody hearings. Say if you touch me again I am reporting it to the police but say that after you leave.

yes i do and a video camera

Yes secretly tape his tirades and play it back in court at custody hearing. Say a man like that should have no access or only supervised access

Good advice from everyone.

As a man, I just gotta say:

I'm sorry this is happening to you - get out while you can. It will never get better until he admits he has a problem and goes into counselling - and he won't do that.

So leave. The sooner the better.

Use it. Hide it somewhere. Also, does he yell at you over the phone? Call you names? If so, use an answering machine to record the calls.

ok i will

thank you everyone i have to go to church for a potluck dinner i will sign on again tonight and i will be leaving tommorrow. Thank you so much i will take all th advice i can get.

Good luck Anji and stay safe *hugs*
yes please try to keep in touch with us, I and sure all of us here will be thinking of you and wondering if you're ok:)

I know I don't know you, but if you need help finding ANY information as of what to do, I WILL HELP YOU.

Anji,

Leave, as soon as you can! Don't wait for the next time. Take your son, the abuse shelters around here can come get you, most of the taxis will give you free ride, I don't know how they work where you are. Pack bags and take them to your friend. Don't worry about your money/job situation.

Anything I can do to help?

Please take care!
Sending thought of strength and courage.

DO not let him know you are planning on leaving.

If you have time sell and pawn all you can to have some extra cash.

be safe!

Good Luck

gwenivere I have 2 words for you....GET OUT!!!... you and your baby deserve better...don't EVER think it is something you have done or said...trust me I have been there....your husband needs help...

Perhaps by going to a shelter in your area it may make him wake up to himself and the fact that he needs help. You did say that up until your son was born he had never been like this. So I can only assume that maybe he is feeling left out or something like that. But he needs to deal with the issue and now. Hitting you is not the answer....

Please please don't put up with the situation any longer than you have to...stay safe...

This is assault. Would you let a stranger on the street hit you? No. Its even worse if its in the safety of your own home. I hate conflict. My answer now is to get it out of my life. No its or buts. I have some conflict still with an obsessed massage client but my answer at the moment is to get him in and out. I was with the abusive man for 2 years. I remember one day he threw me across the room. Just then, a flatmate walked in. I dont know what would have happened if that person hadnt walked in. He always said he was sorry. I moved cities twice to get away from him. He found me because I was weak and wrote to him. In the end he was jailed for 3 months for another offence and I met someone else. I was 20. I had to move that many times because of the violence I got thrown out of my accommodation. I was 19. I couldnt go home to my parents place because he called and threatened to come around. I have never been back to my parents place, in a sense I lost my family because of this.The daughter we had thinks I ababndoned her and hardly speaks to me. I placed her for her and my safety. this is still affecting my life 26 years later.

Get out while you can ! Violence, once the cycle starts, only escalates. I had an abusive ex-husband and I know this first hand. Please PM me if you'd like to talk more about this.

{{{{ Big Hugs }}}} Cheri

Sometimes its just not possible to leave right away. You should but I understand that money is a huge issue. Especially when you have a child.

One thing you have to know is he wont stop hitting you on his own without help. It might not leave marks yet but one day it will. Anyways.....the next time that so called "Man" lays his hands on you. You get someplace safe and call the police. They will arrest him. Most states now have domestic violence laws which require them to arrest him. Then you call your friends, family any one who can help you. There are also several agencies that will help you. All you have to do is ask. The local police department can put you in touch with several in your area.

Dont worry about custody....that should be the least of your worries. If you love your child and care for your child I dont know of a judge out there that would take him away from you. Abusive husbands dont get custody just because they have a more supportive family.

Please stay safe and get away. You will be saving yourself and your child.

Ok, financially you may not be able to leave right now. What things can you do to make your situation better ? Save as much money as you can for emergencies, stash a few changes of clothing for yourself and your child at a trusted friend's house and set up code words with the people you love and trust. Mine was "the noodles are about to stick if I don't stir them". That meant that trouble was brewing and there was a chance that i'd be running that night.

Cheri

Dear gwenivere,

try to get out of this...a man who hit you one time will do this more times!
I've made this experience by my own, don't excuse his behaviour!
It maybe a hard way to leave the hubby, but the best, believe me!
Bad temperence, bahhhh...the next time it's another thing...RUN!!!!!
I'm divorced of this man, thanks God!

Oh dear, oh dear!

This brings back bad memories *sigh*

My first husband also started being abusive and even hit me once. I got so angry at that, that I said to him: "If you ever hit me again, you better make sure you never fall asleep in this house, because then I will kill you!"

That shocked him so much that he never laid hand on me again.

This was 24 years ago, I was 19 years old and he was 21. We were both much too young to be married, and the stress of starting a new life together (which for me was in a foreign land) and the responsibility he thought he had for me, was just too much for him. Our marriage didn't even last a year. He started seeing his highschool sweetheart again, and became unfaithful. And I ... left. And told him to start divorce proceedings. Lucky for all, we didn't have any children.

I think that a big reason for men to become abusive is the feeling of helplesness they experience at some stage. Be it because all of a sudden there is a baby to care for, or a wife, or something else. If they don't see a way out of their dilemma, they try to find somebody to blame. And mostly it is men that have a problem communicating, that become abusive.

I can only agree with the advice given earlier here. Any woman that is being abused (verbally or physically) needs to get away from the abuser as quickly as possible.

It is wishful thinking to try and "change" a person. Nobody can do that, only a professional, and only if the abuser admits his problems. Just like alcoholics.

How anybody can stay with a person that is abusive, is just beyond me. I would rather sleep under a bridge than in a house with an abuser. Even with a child or children. My life has been tough because I raised a son by myself (his natural father left me when I was 7 months pregnant and he never paid a penny of child support), I worked my fingers to the bone to pay all the bills of life, but boy.... anybody threaten me or mine, they get to face a lioness!!

My son is 20 years old now, and I'm not surprised that he has a very acute sense of what's wrong and what's right.

The first sentence of my country's constitution is: "A person's dignity is untouchable." I strongly believe in this.

In every woman there is the mother instinct of a lioness. Even though society wanted us to be meek and humble for centuries, the instinct is still there. We just have to draw on it and let it waken.....