An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it
correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


gotta love it


*laughs* as she heads for bed--nite all

LOL George! Love it.
Love,
Luke

Love it
off to tell my daughter

LOL

Think both are the truth.

here's another one for ya.....


A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Well Miss george, ya lost me this time.
Love,
Luke

LOL I like the last one!

haha ,Good. hahahaa

Operations

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should see electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "Well, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are, without a doubt, the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine .... and the head and the a$$ are interchangeable."

had to edit a word or two lol

rofl!

Loved that one themom!

Haaaaaa !! still laughing too.

Remebered me of one in the same spirit wich was just after our presidential elections :

3 surgeons, an american, a german and a french one are dicussing about who's country is the most advanced in surgery.

The american one says : we are the best you know, last year we found one of our basket ball player half dead because of an accident he had. Guess what, we took him to surgery, he had his arms and legs completely smashed, we managed to implant prothesis and now he is the player number one in NBA.

The german surgeon answered : yeah good, but that's nothing in comparison to our surgeons, we found a guy who had a plane crash, you can imagine this guy was only spare parts...guess what : after operation he became the best player in bundesliga, allthough he had never touched a ball before...

Then the french one answers : yeah, that's not too bad, but we are definitely the best in surgery. You know, last year someone found an asss in the forest, brought it back as he though it could be useable for experimentation, we transplanted ears on it, and now, guess what... we have a president !

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Writen in large black
letters was the sentence. " Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a
ticket to last week."

a quick one before I head for bed....whaddya wanna bet she was a blonde? (no offense meant)


Gretchen grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos, and the barista quickly came over to take his
order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Gretchen asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few
seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh, good!" Gretchen sighed in relief, "Then give me two regular,
two black, and two decaf."

So many jokes~

another one for ya before I head for bed


The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of
chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell
and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined
boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home,
expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I
managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left the
market with seven."

niceness !

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game.

The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents, one of whom
leans over and whispers something into the President's ear. As soon as
he finishes, Mr. Clinton grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and
heaves her over the railing.

Hillary falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming
obscenities.

The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President,
I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

now THAT takes the cake!

this one came from one of my ptr emails....thanks Lucy....bet the other will love it too


A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you!
We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter
told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her
to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you
were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house
you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I
traveled all around the world. We were actually on vacation in Cancun and I
went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a
bummer. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be H3ll to
pay later

Man Falls Asleep At Church...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddaxxed thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your axx!"

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your @ss good-bye.


now ain't THAT the truth?

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she
forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she
took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear,
there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ....
a roll of toilet paper.
........................................
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
....................................
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice
then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the
minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been
sold. Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two
tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch
was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the
kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet,
one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church
member) say ... "Thank you; I baked it myself."

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a
drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

'It opens at noon,' answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy,
sounding even drunker. 'What time does the bar open?'
he asks.

'Same time as before... Noon.' replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered
'When joo shay the bar opins at?'

The clerk then answers, 'It opens at noon, but if you
can't wait, I can have room service send something
up to you.'

'No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!'

EVIL

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. F this and F that. Those that
weren't
expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to
try
and set a good example... Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the
bird got more angry and more rude.Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming
-then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have
hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might
have offended you with my language and action and I ask your
forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

rfollllllllllllllllll haha

Oh noo!!!!

LOL great jokes!!!!!